I am still processing and grieving the death of my Mother a little over a month ago. Most days find me dealing with life just fine and then the awareness that she is gone will wash over me. I know that this is a normal part of grief and I try to welcome it as part of my healing, so I allow the tears to come and ask my Heaven Father to fill the emptiness in me.
As I have been processing all that has happened the last couple of months, the realization of the deep empty hole in me has surfaced again. All of my life, there has always been this deep empty place that desires to be filled. I have tried again and again to fill this emptiness with people, things, recognition and relationships, And again and again, the emptiness has continued when those things I thought would fill me, don’t.
As it became evident that my Mother was not going to be healed here on earth – I needed to deal with this emptiness again. As connected as my Mom and I were, I always wanted her love to completely fill the emptiness I felt inside me … and of course, neither she nor her love could. I know without a doubt that she loved me (it was dear to me that she told me this often as I cared for her during those last weeks). Even with the reassurance of her love, that emptiness resurfaced during this time.
As I have been processing my grief, I have also been processing my emptiness – what can actually fill this deep longing of my soul. If the love of my Mother, the love of my husband and family, accomplishments and friends can’t fill me – what will. And of course the answer was revealed….
Last week, I was talking with a customer who called to place an order and she shared her sympathy with me. As we chatted about losing our Moms and the emptiness we have felt, the Lord gave me insight into my emptiness and it was this….
Only my Heavenly Father can nurture me as a mother to fill the emptiness that I long to fill here on earth. No human relationship will ever fill the deep emptiness that I have because it was only designed to be filled by a relationship with my Heavenly Father. He created me, knows me intimately and can fill the deep emptiness I feel with His love and grace.
My Mother now knows the fullness of which I long for – she is healed, not only from the cancer but from the emptiness that she felt. I too will know this complete healing someday — but until then, I will bask in the comfort of the one who fills me completely.
My Mom & I on a cruise in 2007
Treasure each moment you have with those you love! I am so thankful for the moments we shared.
To read how my daughter’s processed their grief of my Mother’s death …